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Saturday, May 11, 2013


Most of the time on this blog I present evidence concerning crucial issues of life.  Today I am just going to sit on the recliner and talk with you from the heart.  Straight talk, PG-13 rated, honesty at my own expense.

When I discuss the darker days I will change font colors.

Is there a bigger question than the question of why we are here?  Probably it is the first abstract question you asked yourself, at least you asked something similar, like what is my purpose, or who are you, God, or maybe just are you, God or is there a God?  Most of us do not remember much before the age of four or five...maybe one or two brief snapshots and then nothing?  But once you hit kindergarten age the memories begin to adhere to the brain.  Normal people, no matter where or when you were born, you will get an opportunity to look up in the stars on a dark night away from civilization somewhere, sometime and when you look up you see stars beyond stars on top of stars.  The amazing grandeur of the night sky is actually supposed to impress you with the grandeur of the Creator God.  In my opinion and according to the Bible, that is...but in my youth I could not be sure of the answers...just the questions.

Maybe you were like me and realized that you would have to ask someone with a higher pay grade to provide the answer.  Because you soon find that everyone you can access to ask for answers is a human like yourself, you eventually realize that man is not enough...or you allow some other human to give you a human explanation and you buy it.  Or, you decide to make a point to seek out the answers and maybe even start searching through different religions?  I did.  I considered the idea of Atheism, of course, any kid that reads Ayn Rand in fourth and fifth grade will think about Atheism.  But the sky...when I looked up at the stars I knew Atheism was too prosaic an explanation for everything that was so full of layers beyond layers beyond layers both macro and microscopic in perspective.  Is that coherent?  How do you explain solid things that are mainly nothing and nothing that actually is yet something?  You can pile up the basics of Newtonian Physics and General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics and yet we still cannot even explain what life is or tell you why gravity results from mass or even how or why we have conscious thoughts and are capable of thinking abstract thoughts.  Do not think for one minute that having observed the Higgs Boson explains gravity or mass and how they work together, that is propaganda.  It was just a subatomic particle that pretty well had to be there for mass to make sense and nothing more.

Egghead Cosmologists who believe in the Big Bang won't help you.  Stephen Hawking actually believes that the force of gravity (that does not exist without mass) absolutely MUST create the entire Universe!   Some Cosmologists will tell you that nothing simply split into positive and negtive somethings that added up to zero.   Except the Universe does not add up to anywhere near zero.  But it would be pretty cool to go to the bank and withdraw negative fifty thousand dollars, right?  Then you would have positive fifty grand!  You think that is ridiculous?  It is far more credible than ANY Big Bang hypothesis.  They represent the very sad state of modern cosmology and origins research.  Pathetic.

I studied Islam and various Eastern religions and considered Judaism and Baha'i and Wicca and Satanism and meditation and the Boo-Hoo Bible taken with LSD.  Oh, sure, I tried becoming a warlock and seeking demonic powers, I tried every psychedelic drug you can get your mitts on, eventually became a needle junkie and had to turn myself in to a mental ward to force myself to go cold turkey.   Back then there were not many rehab centers, it was looney bin or jail or eventual death for meth dealers who got hooked on their own products.   I had read guys like Carlos Castaneda and similar writers who were into finding powers within yourself...and Richard Brautigan, a guy who tried to pass off works full of thought farts as brilliant insights.   

Once I was identified (in third grade) as an especially bright child and put in a special school and class beginning in fouth grade.  They picked out 25 kids from the city that were to take enriched curriculum, so I was learning French in grade school, the basics of algebra, physics, things like that.  I was class president the first two years.  I thought I was the smartest person I had ever met.  I wasn't arrogant about it, I just thought it was a fact...but I knew I could learn from other people and also figured I would meet smarter people than me eventually.  But if that class was the smartest kids in the city and I was the smartest kid in the class? parents raised me well, taught me to begin reading before I went to kindergarten and I was the youngest kid in kindergarten and got kicked out for bad behavior.   I cruised through high school, taking all the advanced classes but not worrying about getting straight A report cards because I was destined to go to only one college.   Long story.  I took the SAT and scored 99 percentile.  I was smart!

I had an athletic/academic combined scholarship to college, had a Mustang convertible, a good job that worked with my school schedule and had girls chasing me rather than vice-versa.  The draft lottery got me and I got drafted.  I eventually had a top secret clearance and worked in the Washington Navy Yard and Pentagon.  I was an athlete.  I had the prettiest girlfriend and the biggest smile and had all the cool friends.  How did I get from there to being out of money and sleeping in the back of a cheap car in the winter, no home, out of drugs, out of food, a junkie and no longer welcomed by my former "friends."  

It began with trying out marijuana at the age of 22 because I'd had a fight with my fiance without-the-diamond and by the time I was 24 I was spiraling down into another world, the underworld of biker meth gangs and always needing to watch your back for the cops or a rival gang guy with a gun or knife giving you the evil eye.  When your best friends are drug dealers, whores and self-proclaimed witches and even they turn you away because you are a leech looking for a couch and a fix?  Yes, I know what the gutter looks like because I've been there.  I was either going to start robbing houses to support my habit or I was going to face up to the fact that my life was screwed up beyond measure and get myself locked up.  I chose from column B.

How did I get from big man on campus to bum sleeping in the back of a junk car, a junkie in a junker?   It was in part because I reached for truth and got slapped for my troubles.  I sought for God and found Satan and demons and people who worked on mind control and using drugs and manipulative methods to bend people to their will.  I went from weed to downers to LSD to the needle in the space of two years.  

Then I went into a living hell.  Cold turkey is living through a series of terrifying horror movies and believing that it is reality.  They ARE coming to get me and I cannot move!!!   I was in desperate aching desire for a fix while I was awake and sleep brought monsters without number...sometimes I didn't know if I was asleep or awake.  It probably was only a couple of days but I am not sure, it felt like weeks and weeks of misery.  After it began to wear off I found myself feeling empty as the eyes of a shark and just as restless.   My mind swam through seas of regrets and sorrows and self-pity and self-loathing.  All the girls and women I'd lied to in order to get laid, all the people I had manipulated to get this thing or that thing or simply for the fun of messing with their heads.  The people I have frightened with spiritual card tricks and the ability to trip on LSD without ever completely losing it so I could screw with everybody else.  I could have sipped from an ocean of love and only tasted dust and dead flies.  I was hollowed out.  Someone gave me Robert Pirsig's "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" to occupy my mind as they made sure I was truly rehabbed.  I noticed that most of the so-called crazy people in the looney bin were less looney than depressed, less dangerous and more surrendered to whatever fate was to come.  The doctors and nurses realized I was clean and not in the least crazy so I was freed to go.

By the grace of a God I did not yet know, I had spiraled down so fast that meth didn't take much of a toll on my body and mind.  So when I promised myself to leave hard drugs behind and confine myself to pot and alcohol, I went back to college and started to put things together.  But when you have no moral compass and you have been down both Pennsylvania Avenue and dead-end alleys where life is as cheap as the next fix, pot and alcohol will begin taking you down again.   Sideways a girl pregnant and married her so I had to work in a factory to make money enough to support a wife and child.  Was challenged to design utopia in college and couldn't, so I dropped out.  Hated her guts and planned to use my new rock band to take me away from her and humdrum life to live for sex, drugs and rock 'n roll.  But my little daughter made me hesitate and the wife got saved and suddenly turned into a loving sweetheart and I dawdled.  Then Charles Wood, pastor, came to speak to the guy they called The Caveman, with my steel-mill hardened muscles and long hair and beard.  He told me about Jesus Christ and I suddenly believed.   It was the first thing that ever really made sense and connected with that little child who looked up at all those stars and wondered why.

So now I am looking back from the God side and I see the arguments Atheists make.  They deny God and claim only natural forces can be given credit for accomplishing ANYTHING and then break their own physical laws as they conceptualize miracles upon miracles accomplished by no one for no purpose by no means and for no end...and that is supposed to be logical?   Darwinists have more miracles in their stories than Creationists, but they have no causation for their miracles.  Watch as they deny the Laws of Thermodynamics and the Law of Biogenesis and the Laws of Statistics and twist philosophy until it screams bloody murder.  Then they tell you we have evolved to think what they think.   So we don't actually think???!!

I wonder.  I was shocked, after becoming a Christian and going back to college in that I tested 99th percentile AGAIN after having been a wanton wastrel.  I'd taken enough psychedelic drugs to freak out a small city if they were put into the water system.   I'd become such a junkie that my arms and legs and hands and ankles and most normal shooting places were getting scarred and so I was getting it in the neck or more private areas and yet I was able to be athletic again, becoming a player in leagues in softball and basketball, playing the weekend tackle football games at Adams Field and kicking butt on the tennis courts.  I was running miles again.  Mentally and physically it seemed whatever I might have lost was back or never quite gone.  How could it be?  I thank God and just move on.

Darwinism is bad science and bad philosophy.  Malthus and Marx and Darwin and Dalton and Trotsky and Lyell and such anti-God leaders of the Darwinist movement have given us recipes that always fail.  Socialism always leads to either tyranny or poverty or both.   Yet elites love the idea and keep trying it over and over.   Now the USA is becoming a socialist nation.   If it doesn't change, we will have tyranny or poverty or both.   Some animals are more equal than others, didn't you know?

Meanwhile Darwinism is packed full of miracles and fairy tales.

Darwinism believes a singularity magically appeared from nowhere.
Darwinism believes it exploded by unknown forces.

Both of those beliefs defy the Laws of Thermodynamics.   In fact the Big Bang is mostly miracles and fairy tales and an equation with 96% missing energy and matter. THEREFORE SCIENCE HAD NO EVIDENCE-BASED REASON TO ABANDON CREATION BY GOD! 

Darwinists believe life formed itself from non-life.
This violates the Law of Biogenesis.

Darwinists believe "favorable mutations" (probably about as common as werewolves or zombies) collect and eventually form more advanced forms of life.
This belief violates the Laws of Statistics and the Laws of Thermodynamics.

Darwinists believe information contained in DNA and the cell is simply random happy accidents.
This belief violates the Laws of Statistics and the Laws of Thermodynamics and the Laws of Information.

Look, it is not too late to change your mind and it is never time to be satisfied and just quit learning.  Remember that I was in advanced classes in grade school?  Well, what they taught me about the formation of ice as a child, I remembered and believed it...until some Darwinist caught me describing freezing of ice incorrectly and had great fun mocking me, while ignoring the point I made which remained valid.  Anyway, I realized that EVERYTHING I believe must be open to audit for my entire life.   I can never quit learning.  So I even reviewed why ice floats and found out that some air is almost always included with ice, even if the chemical reaction does not cause air to be contained in ice.  

For the rest of my life I will keep on seeking to learn truth and apply it.  I've been rich and poor and in-between, slept in the Presidential Suite at the Blackstone and on the floor of a junk car.  Was once a dedicated Darwinist and potential Paleontologist who is now a Creationist.  I hob-nobbed with generals and Olympic athletes and with dangerous gang members with jail tats and willingness to kill.  I lived through it all, am married to the girl of my dreams, am a professional, with six kids and three grandkids and three dogs and two fishtanks and a bird.  I used to be a dedicated sinner but I have been ministering for Jesus for most of the last 34 years.   

Will you audit your life and beliefs?  Are you brave enough to take out your pet hypotheses and see if they withstand scrutiny.  Don't you want to know the TRUTH no matter what it is???


Anonymous said...

Question for the floor:

Is it just me, or do every one of Radar's "I used to do X, X, X and X... then JESUS!!!!" stories sound like they're coming from a guy whose only actual experience with drugs was being in the same room as a guy who rolled a joint. Once. In high school.

radar said...

Not sure what you think you know, hotshot, but suppose you tell me what you would do with a flame, clean water, a spoon and a hypodermic needle in order to get meth into your system. What important thing am I leaving out?

I could roll a joint with one hand after some practice. I know how to cut Meth and Coke. I know what to do with a pound of grass and how to convert them into lids. You know what a lid is?

Does hash make you sleepy or hyper? How about Angel Dust? What is Angel Dust? Can it be more than one thing? You know how to ingest opium properly?

Is a pink heart a hit of LSD, a downer or an upper?

How about third eye? White cross? Reds? Darvon?

I will name some substances and lets see if you know what they are - Psilocybin? Cannabinol? Mescaline? Are any of them hallucinogenic?

radar said...

I bet hotshot has to go to Google to try to answer the vast majority of these questions and probably will not even get the first one right...

Anonymous said...

To the anonymous hotshot above: No, I think Radar's actually done all those things, and suffered the consequences.

Anonymous said...

Wow... sure doesn't take much for the bully to come out, does it?

I am in no way a hotshot, and I'll happily admit to being unable to answer some of your questions without Google, but what does that prove?

Let me explain my skepticism: starting in grade school and on through middle and high school, I was subjected to various books and motivational anti-drug speakers whose stories sounded very much like yours (could even readily rattle off lists, much like yours, without trying as well). Turns out nearly every one of them was merely an actor playing a part, and had no experience with drugs whatsoever (or a writer trying to pretend they were speaking from experience, in the case of the books). Thus, you can imagine my skepticism with reformed drug addict stories that follow a similar pattern.

Far more common in real life (in my experience) is the "I used to smoke pot, but got bored with it and quit" or "I am successful in my career but still light one up from time to time" rather than the "I ended up in a gutter and got saved" type of stories.

So if you, unlike pretty much everyone else with a story like yours that I've encountered, are in earnest, you have my apologies and I'm happy it ended well for you and kudos to surviving intact.

Next time, consider that others have a far different experience set than you before you pop off at the mouth. Your bullying and bragging streak is way to close to the surface.

radar said...

My reply was not either bullying and when you have lived a life like I did, sharing it with others is not bragging. You are the one who was calling me a liar and acting like you know it all.

I noticed you didn't answer any of my questions. I suppose that is good, as being involved in the scene is not good.

But you are the one who pretended to know your stuff and accused me of making up things and therefore YOU are the one who should be saying, "sorry" rather than accuse me of bullying because I called you out. Bullying, indeed! If you think THAT is bullying, try walking through the Latin Kings territory in South Chicago or in LA sometime. You will encounter actual bullying, methinks. You must have a very soft and insulated lifestyle.

Why do I get angry at posers like you? Because drugs are dangerous and deadly and people need to understand what they can do and where they can take you. Not everybody I knew made it out alive, you comprehend this, yes?

Neil Young (who I would say has become a tired and bitter guy) once wrote a song "The Needle and the Damage Done" and it was because one of his bandmates died of an overdose. I am remarkably blessed to have avoided prison or death. I didn't even get into the uglier parts of my life because it would be simply prurient overkill. The point is that I was locked into a behavior pattern that only Jesus could break.

radar said...

I let anyone say anything in the comments if it isn't spam or profane. But I am very protective of my reputation. I do not lie and I do not embelish stories of my life. I expose some things that make me look bad, but I do it to be lessons for others so they do not go down the same roads. Sex will not be enough, drugs will not be enough, money will not be enough, nothing is going to be enough to bring you the peace and joy of Jesus Christ. I know this.

Therefore I spend a lot of time on this blog. I do not accept commercials so that Google will cut me a check. I do it to bring people to their senses. You attacked my integrity so I made sure anyone reading this blog who does know anything about addiction to drugs will recognize the lingo and know I am for real.

Oh, you probably will not say you are sorry. But you were not bullied you were corrected. Anyone who has actually been bullied would know the difference.